Do you ever feel lost in your own body, home, or the world? I have always been an artist. I drew everything as a child, delved into music with a passion, and found a fondness for photographic art. When I found out I was pregnant a couple of years ago, I had to slow down. I was so sick for the better half of my journey carrying my daughter. Our house flooded and we were living in a hotel for the majority of our pregnancy as well. It was a crazy time to say the least and I stopped exploring my artistic side.
As my belly grew so did my aspirations for who I wanted to be and what I wanted give to this tiny human. I was a self-affirmation junkie. I researched anything and everything regarding childbirth. I was determined to be prepared! The path to motherhood was fraught with emotions I wasn’t quite ready for, and others I relished.
Fast forward skipping a bit through things, here I am back on my artistic journey sharing my soul with my family and others. To really dive back in I met with a new friend (Emily Gerald) about a workshop that was coming to our area. I got all the information, set aside money and made some sacrifices to get there. Moments in Motherhood with Mae Burke.
Mae is the sweetest and most warm hearted person I have met in a long time! Part of this workshop was to pull together a session that encapsulated who we are as an artist and a person. I was daunted by this task, to say the least. I have a photography bucket list, knowing WHAT I wanted to capture wasn’t the problem. The problem came in figuring out my voice. The WHY. I knew what I wanted, found a couple models and set everything up. I made what I feel are beautiful images of motherhood. I was left with the feeling of, “what does it all mean?”
I took the images. I smiled as I saw my work uploading to my computer. My heart was singing that I could capture these women and really just shoot for myself. My head was still stuck in the feeling of, “so what?” I questioned myself throughout the process. Doubted my ability. I felt a draw to give up and go back to playing with my daughter as much as possible. I nearly backed out of going to Mae’s workshop. I felt a little like an imposter knowing I was going to be in the audience of people who I look up to and admire, celebrities in my mind.
I had to stop myself, change the rhetoric. I am on a path and I believe to the core of my soul that I am where I am supposed to be. I may sacrifice some time away from my daughter and husband, but I want her to know that you can pursue your dreams. That being the best mom is being the best me.
I wanted to give a shout out to Mae. She dropped a truth bomb that left me a bit shaken, but it helped me see that I needed to be more authentic and share my boldness: with myself, my family and what I share with you, my audience. I grew so much that day. Mae welcomed me with open arms, and the women in attendance were so amazing and supportive. When I left, I knew my life had changed.
THIS IS MY WHY:
I cannot be my best self if I don’t have faith in myself. I can’t be the best mom, walk the path of “right and wrong” as a mother if I don’t have faith in my instincts, my positive affirmations. This mini-series calls on all of this. Motherhood to me is the grit and the grace. It is finding the light for ourselves to share with these little people we bring into the world. I still have days that I want to sit and the dark, feel completely in adequate at everything, but I’m here, living and breathing and showing my daughter, my husband and myself that I can be me. For them.