My Motherhood | Meet Nicole Series

"You can't run from the shadow, but you can invite it to dance" - Tanya Geisler My life, at this moment, is being a mom. A terrified, confident, unsure, strong willed mom. I am determined to do and be different. Do different than my mom, and be different from everything I know from my own life experiences. Terrified of the tears my daughter has shed and will shed. Confident my heart and husband will keep me accountable to being the best wife, mother, and person. Unsure of what it all means, but determined to hold, love, and protect my child against the unreasonable darkness.

Most days I feel like I'm running in circles in this darkness, trying to find the light. The unending pressure I feel to provide and support for my family as my husband is in school and Nora is at daycare; I don't want to be judged.  Am I alone in feeling like I want to be seen, but afraid of being looked at?

I feel pressured from society and question the insanity of it all. Only to turn around and foolishly wear it as if it's in fashion. I want to  run from constantly being told no, and I'm too sensitive. So how do I move forward? How do I invite the shadows to dance with me? I want to be a better me, and teach my daughter to love and dance with the negative space that is life's white noise.

While my daughter is young I am facilitating her independence. I'm giving her space to say no, but also to declare who she is. This challenges me, frustrates me even, because she is free spirited and steadfast in her resolve (why does she have to be my mini me?!). She also surprises me and makes me laugh with her ability to stand strong in saying "No, I don't want that." No one questions her assertiveness which makes me smile and laugh at my own absurdity. If this little girl can say no, and be heard, why can't I? She doesn't question herself, her preferences, or how she will be perceived, so why should I? How is it that this tiny human of my own flesh is teaching me so much about humanity?

While I'm teaching her confidence and independence she is showing me I'm allowed the same. Her sunshine truly casts light into the darkness and drives my shadows out of hiding. She helps me see them, so now I can dance with them.

My self portrait: "Moments in Motherhood -The Negative Space"

How do you cope with your negative space to find the light?

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